The Wishing Tree - A Sneak Preview (let us know what you think through the form on the contact page
Chapter One
“Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head …”
The sound of the children’s sweet voices singing their favorite carol barely registered as Lindsey stared gloomily out at the falling snow. The surrounding area - as far as the eye could see - was covered with a thick white blanket which muffled any sounds, creating an eerie atmosphere.
Christmas was definitely not Lindsey’s favorite time of year and this was going to be the worst of her life so far. Biting back a sob, she felt her life was going from bad to worse - in fact, it seemed to be falling apart.
The poor girl was feeling far from festive.
The song changed to Santa Claus is Coming to Town, making Lindsey grit her teeth. She wanted to scream, “THERE IS NO SANTA Claus!” but held her tongue - she didn’t want to upset the other children. After all, it wasn’t their fault she was so unhappy. Perhaps she would feel a little better if Katie wasn’t leaving today - to live on the other side of the world.
Her throat tightened at the thought and tears sparkled like diamonds in her eyes, but she determinedly held them back. She had to be brave or she would upset her dearest friend.
The clock suddenly seemed to tick louder and her stomach clenched tightly - every second brought her closer to the dreaded goodbye.
Oh if only she could go too! But Katie, she knew, was young and cute - the sort of child any adoptive parent would be very proud of. Whereas Lindsey was the eldest in the Orphanage, and nobody wanted an older child.
She was abruptly jerked out of her melancholy thoughts as the door to the Library opened and Katie ran in, looking for her.
Katie’s face split into a huge grin at the sight of her friend whom she looked on as a big sister. However, the smile faded a little when she saw Lindsey’s expression.
“What’s the matter? Did you get told off again?”
Lindsey couldn’t let her friend see how she was feeling, so she reacted in a way which aimed to deflect Katie’s attention away from her.
“No - go and play,” she snapped.
She immediately felt guilty because Katie hadn’t really done anything wrong. Glancing at her sideways, she saw the hurt confusion on the little girl’s face which almost broke her heart. Her jaw set, she stared out of the window, arms crossed and her body language screaming that she wanted to be left alone. She was frightened that her emotions would overwhelm her in front of Katie.
The little girl didn’t get the message. She stood there, head to one side, with a puzzled expression in her eyes. The way she was looking at her, Lindsey felt sure she had suddenly sprouted horns or something.
Katie tried to catch her friend’s eye whilst Lindsey avoided her gaze. For all her young years Katie as quite mature and she wanted to understand why her best friend was so unhappy, and to give her some comfort as well, if possible. Lindsey had always been her confidante and she wanted to return the favor. She wisely decided that if Lindsey wouldn’t tell her what was wrong - and she couldn’t force her - she would try to cheer her up instead.
“We’re singing Christmas carols.”
Lindsey managed a half smile. Trust Katie to say the wrong thing whilst trying to help.
“I know,” she replied, quietly.
“Why don’t you come and join us? You can sing with me?”
“Because I want to stay here!”
Hearing the tone of her voice, Lindsey bit her lip in horror. She raised her arms in a gesture of mute apology, but Katie had already moved away. From the corner of her eye Lindsey watched as she slid off the extra wide window ledge, a heavy silence between them.
The impatience in her tone would have sent most children scurrying away, but Katie was made of sterner stuff.
Looking around thoughtfully to see if there was anything she could do to rescue the situation and lift Lindsey’s mood, she spotted a tray of books in the middle of an oblong table which was surrounded by six chairs.
Katie carefully clambered onto one of them and reached out, her fingertips just about managing to grasp her favorite book from the collection.
It was quite heavy and it took a great deal of effort for her to drag it to the edge of the table. Lindsey smiled inwardly, her melancholy mood lifting momentarily as she watched the determined little girl struggling to achieve her aim, groaning with the effort of first reaching it, then actually pulling it down from the table. She knew she really should go and help, but -
“Oh!” came the frustrated cry as Katie lost her grip on the book, her tiny hands unable to maintain the strength needed to get it safely down.
Their eyes met across the room and both started to laugh.
“Will you read me a story?”
Katie stretched out a hand, appealing to Lindsey with such a pleading expression in her soft, puppy dog brown eyes that she almost gave in.
This was all so hard! She desperately needed to be alone but couldn’t explain her feelings to the little girl who, until today, had always been such a source of comfort and solace - especially on this day which held so many awful memories. Katie had got her through so much, with her funny manner, amusing outlook on life and her unconditional love. Now that bond was about to be broken. Lindsey knew she should be happy for Katie - and part of her was - but she was devastated to know that they would never spend another Christmas together.
She didn’t blame Katie for being excited at the thought of being adopted, but a small part of her wished it was her as well. She was going to miss her surrogate sister so much! She realized she should try to make these last moments together special ones - for both of their sakes.
Glancing at the book, Lindsey noticed it was the beautiful hardback with pretty engraving on the front and gold edged pages. She had read it to Katie (and the other children) more often than she cared to remember. Knew the story by heart, in fact.
Beginning to weaken, she took a hesitant step forward but suddenly realized she couldn’t trust her voice.
Taking a shaky breath she managed to squeeze out the words, “Not just now Katie …”
Katie didn’t immediately put the book down as she had expected her to. Lindsey could hardly bear the crushed disappointment on her face so she returned to her seat in the window and hastily looked away.
Like most children of her age, Katie could be very persistent until she got what she wanted - or the answers she required.
There was a heavy silence between them. Katie thought for a while. She wanted to put things right between them - which was difficult when she had no idea what she had done wrong. Her childish enthusiasm about Christmas could not be dampened down, despite knowing how Lindsey felt about it. She had never understood how anyone could dislike this time of the year anyway.
“We’re going to make a cake and some Mince Pies later, to give to Santa Claus with a glass of milk -”
That was too much for Lindsey. “Santa Claus doesn’t exist! He’s just make believe!”
The words were out before she could stop them. If only the stupid girl had left her alone.
Katie was immediately defiant. “Yes he does! He comes down the chimney and leaves presents around the tree that good children want.”
“He’s never given me what I want,” cried Lindsey, petulantly.
“That’s because he only brings presents for good boys and girls - and you’re not a good girl because you hit Jimmy!”
This wasn’t working. She didn’t want to fight with Lindsey. In a flash, Katie changed the subject.
“Do you want to play with the Doll’s House?”
“Maybe later.”
At least Lindsey’s tone had softened and she didn’t sound quite so sad any more.
But suddenly Katie became bored with Lindsey’s attitude. She tossed her shoulder length brunette hair casually, as if she didn’t care whether or not they played together.
“I’m going to ask Julie if she’ll play with the Doll’s House then.”
Of course, she was really trying to make Lindsey jealous.
“Yes, that’s right, you go and ask Julie to play with you,” replied Lindsey sulkily, her gaze still focused on the snow outside the window.
She was glad Katie couldn’t see her expression. She was behaving badly and she knew it.
Katie opened the Library door just as Sue Darby, the owner of the Orphanage, was about to enter.
Sue, an attractive woman in her late fifties with short, blonde hair and a bright, sunny smile, reached out to ruffle the top of Katie’s hair. She felt a great deal of affection and tenderness towards this outwardly tough, loveable little girl.
“I wondered where you’d got to.”
In fact, she’d had a fair idea of where she’d be. This pair were inseparable. She was worried about how Lindsey would cope after Katie left. On the face of it, she seemed OK, but it was bound to be hard for her. Sue was very proud of the way Lindsey had handled the forthcoming separation - helping Katie to pack, telling her about all the exciting things she would see, what a great adventure she was going on! But it came as quite a shock to everyone when the Pearlman’s had telephoned to say they would arrive to pick Katie up on Christmas Eve because they needed to return to the States rather sooner than expected. Nobody had mentioned this abrupt change of plan to Katie because she would have become over excited. There was also the worry that they would be delayed, which would upset her unnecessarily.
“Lindsey’s crying,” replied Katie, returning Sue’s smile.
Lindsey spun around at that comment, her eyes blazing with anger. She glowered at Katie, standing in the doorway with Sue. If there was one thing that Lindsey couldn’t stand, it was to know that someone could see through her emotions. With everything she had been through she found the best way to cope was to keep a little back for herself, not let her feelings show. Those who didn’t know her often thought that she was aloof or didn’t care about them - but the opposite was true! She just couldn’t afford to show any emotion - it left one far too vulnerable.
“No I’m not!” she snapped defensively, a little sniffle giving her away.
“Are you going to tell her off again?”
Sue smiled. Was that a little mischief making in her voice? She decided that Katie must be genuinely worried about her friend and knelt down to speak to her reassuringly at her level, her eyes in direct contact with the little girl.
Speaking in a firm voice she said, “No Katie, I’m not going to shout at her. Now, you go into the Green Room with the others and I’ll be with you in a minute.”
“Are we going to make Mince Pies?”
Sue laughed. Typical Katie! She loved baking and would do it every weekend if she was given half a chance!
“Go and ask Barbara and Jill to get the ingredients from the pantry and we’ll start making them in a minute.”
Singing Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer to herself, Katie excitedly ran to find them.
After she left there was a long silence as Lindsey returned to staring out of the window.
Sue knew Lindsey was bottling up her emotions. The silence deepened and it was almost as though only the two of them existed in the whole world - which was pretty much how Lindsey felt!
Taking the vacant space where Katie had sat just minutes earlier, Sue watched Lindsey carefully. In all the years she had known this special child she had never seen her so upset. Usually she bounced straight back up if she felt down, aided by a naturally sunny disposition. This time, however, it felt different and, frankly, Sue was worried. She smiled encouragingly.
“What’s the matter, Lindsey?”
The question was like a red rag to a bull and the young girl almost exploded.
“NOTHING is wrong! I wish people would stop asking me that.”
Sue knew she could handle the situation in one of two ways. She could reprimand Lindsey for her tone of voice - or she could try a little compassion for a child who was hurting very badly. She chose the latter. Using her gentlest voice she said, “I’m sorry I told you off, but you shouldn’t have hit Jimmy.”
“He pulled my hair!”
“You’re much bigger than him - you didn’t have to hit him.”
“And he called me names.”
Sue was silent for a moment, absently stroking Lindsey’s lovely long, wavy, golden colored hair.
“I don’t think he meant to be insulting when he called you Goldilocks, Lindsey. You’ve got such beautiful hair.”
Lindsey started to feel guilty. She knew deep down she had over reacted.
“Thank you, Mrs Darby,” she smiled.
“What happened to Sue?” Changing the subject she asked, “Aren’t you going to come and sing some songs?”
“I don’t really want to. I’m not in the mood for singing - I’d rather just sit here for a while.”
Sue sighed deeply, wondering how best to comfort her. Mistakenly she took the opportunity to tell her how much everyone loved her.
“The children want you to play with them. They look up to you like you’re one of the Carers.”
Too late, she realized the way that Lindsey had taken her comment as her face fell, her head drooped and the long, loose hair hung like curtains, shielding her expression - but not the sadness in her tone of voice.
“Yes, I know. I’ve been here longer than all the other children put together. They think I work here.”
“I thought you liked looking after Katie! She thinks of you like a sister -”
“But I’m NOT her sister,” retorted Lindsey angrily. “If I was I’d be going with her to her new home.”
Suddenly the penny dropped for Sue, who had been wondering why Lindsey was reacting so badly to it being Christmas this year. The woman felt an unexpected wave of compassion and understanding. Gently she placed her hand on top of Lindsey’s.
“I’m sorry, love. I didn’t realize how much it would upset you when Katie left us.” She paused, uncertain of how to continue. “I thought you’d be happy that she’d found a new home.”
Without warning, Lindsey’s emotions spilled out, surprising her with their intensity. She was furious with herself as she felt hot tears burn at the back of her eyes.
“But I can’t find a new home! Nobody wants me! I’m too old. They all want young boys and girls like Jimmy and Katie - they don’t want someone of my age,” she added almost in a whisper, her voice thick with tears she stubbornly refused to shed.
Sue realized that she had been expecting too much of Lindsey, asking her to let Katie go with her blessing after letting all her defenses down. The pair had grown very close, despite Lindsey’s protestations after her parents’ death that she would never allow herself to love anyone else because they would only leave her.
Sue had asked her to take Katie under her wing when she had first arrived, hoping that giving her some responsibility would enable her to acknowledge her place in the world, and break down her barriers.
Katie was adorable, her laughter infectious. Put that together with a great sense of fun and a mischievous nature and it was impossible not to love her. However, this sunny nature made it only natural that prospective adoptive parents would love her too, leading eventually to the inevitable separation the pair now faced.
Sue sighed. Lindsey’s prickly personality put off families who met her. They never took the time to get to know the sweet, loving nature that was pounding through her soul, giving up after a short time - all unable to deal with her mercurial temper.
What these families didn’t understand was that Lindsey was very insecure and had a tendency to push the boundaries, trying to see what she would have to do to stop them from loving her. She had lost so much and had to handle a lot more than most children her age. It had taken Sue and the staff a long time to gain her trust. Through their love and support she gradually began to shine as her confidence grew. However, she never failed to go back to her old ways whenever she met prospective parents because she was nervous.
“You’ll find a home one day, Lindsey, I’m sure you will. Someone as kind and considerate as you should have no trouble finding a family to take you in and love you as much as we do -”
“Then why HASN’T anyone adopted me?”
Suddenly it was all too much. Lindsey flopped forward, leaning her head against Sue’s motherly chest. Feeling as though she would burst if she held her emotions in any longer, she began to cry softly. Sue wrapped her arms around the young girl, trying to comfort her without much success. Lindsey hesitantly clung to Sue in return, reluctant to admit even to herself that she needed Sue’s love and affection. Eventually she gave in and hugged her fiercely.
They were silent for some time. At last, still crying but calmer now, Lindsey spoke.
“Every year I write a letter and put it under the Christmas Tree. I always wish for the same thing. I wish for a new home - someone to love me as much as I love them - and each year I spend with you and the other children instead of with my own family.”
“But we’re all family here, aren’t we Lindsey? We all love each other. I thought you were happy with us - you’re part of a huge family here. You’re very special to us, you know.”
There was a long pause as Lindsey realized how selfish she sounded. This was all coming out wrong and she felt guilty. She sighed, bit her lip. Sue and the others were all the family she had and she did love them, but somehow it wasn’t the same.
“Yes, I know, but -”
“You’ll get your wish one day Lindsey,” interrupted Sue before she could explain that she wasn’t ungrateful or dismissive of Sue’s love. It was too late then, the moment had passed.
Slowly she lifted her head and tried to compose herself. Dry washing her face, she added resentfully, “I won’t get it this year though, will I?”
Sue’s body sagged. She knew better than to offer false hope - especially as she also knew that Lindsey was right. It would be unfair to tell her that someone might come to the Orphanage tomorrow and offer her a home - that was highly unlikely on Christmas Day. There was a tiny window of opportunity for her to get a home later that day which she didn’t know anything about, but Sue didn’t say anything for fear she could not persuade them to take her. It would surely be far worse to have hope snatched away than not have it at all. She debated whether to tell Lindsey why she was finding it so difficult to get a home - perhaps she wasn’t aware that she was blocking potential parents - but decided that would be unkind. Why kick the child when she was feeling down, even in an attempt to help her? Gently she placed a hand on the child’s left shoulder. She could feel her own eyes filled with tears, she was so sad for her.
“You write that letter all the same. Do you hear?” Her grip tightened. “You write that letter.”
Abruptly she pulled Lindsey close and held her in a loving embrace.
The sad scene was interrupted as Katie and a group of other children came into the room, closely followed by two Carers, one male and one female.
The air was crackling with excitement as the children scattered to all four corners of the room, looking for something.
Whatever they were seeking, it was obviously very well hidden because they searched everywhere - in the book case, under the cushions and chairs, even behind the beautiful artificial daffodils placed on the window ledge opposite in an effort to inject some cheer into the room all year round.
Sue playfully grabbed Katie as she ran past.
“What are you doing?”
“We’re having a treasure hunt.” Katie’s eyes were shining with glee.
“There are twelve chocolate coins hidden somewhere,” added Carrie, a plump little girl with short, red curly hair. Sue smiled warmly at her - this child so rarely spoke because she was painfully shy, traumatized by the loss of her family and only a very recent addition to the Orphanage. It was wonderful to see her so excited.
“Now let me see,” laughed Sue, standing up and looking around as though to try to beat the children in finding the coins. “Where could the treasure be hidden?”
There was a shout as one of the children found a coin.
Lindsey jumped up quickly from the window seat. Everyone stared at her as she stood, momentarily frozen, thinking hard, obviously joining in the game.
She clicked her fingers. “I know where they are - follow me!”
She was gone in the blink of an eye, Katie and the other children chasing after her like Lemmings, leaving Sue staring at the empty space where she had been admiringly.
Half an hour later Lindsey, Katie and a number of other children were in the Kitchen with two other Carers, Barbara and Jill. The air was thick with flour - it was everywhere - in the children’s hair, on their faces, on the floor! Luckily everyone was wearing aprons.
Tony’s fingers were sticky, the pastry clinging to him like glue. It felt strange as it dried - sort of tickling him as it cracked.
A mischievous glint came to his eyes and he grinned.
“Watch out everyone - the Flour Monster’s about!”
He began chasing the children around the Kitchen, pulling faces and wiping his floury fingers on anyone he caught. Chaos was the name of the game as the other children ran away to try to avoid capture. By now the air was like fog and it was difficult to see through all the flour.
Barbara, always one of the sterner staff members, could feel a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. Despite her tough exterior she really loved these children. Katie’s nickname for her was “Soft Mint” because she was as hard as nails on the outside but as soft as butter underneath. The smile broke through.
“Tony! Stop that!”
But Tony found he couldn’t stop - perhaps he was over excited at the thought of Christmas. Laughing, he “attacked” Barbara, reaching out to tickle her. Jill was too quick for him and grabbed his wrists, holding his hands high in the air for Barbara to tickle him under the arms.
“There!” she laughed. “Now you can’t make a pie out of us!”
Katie and Julie watched the proceedings with glee. Deciding to join in the fun, the girls circled around Barbara and Jill while they were distracted by Tony. Biding their time, they waited until the time was right before leaping to Tony’s defense.
Jill abruptly released him and spun round to see who was tormenting her.
Katie stuck her tongue out and made a funny noise that was clearly meant to be a monster.
Feigning surprise and fear, Barbara let out a high pitched scream.
“Oh no! Another Flour Monster is attacking me!”
“Blah! Whoa!” replied Katie, totally engrossed in the game. She jumped when Lindsey grabbed her arms as Jill had grabbed Tony’s. Laughing, Barbara did the same to Julie.
“Right,” laughed Barbara, “What should we do with these three Pastry Monsters?”
“I know! We’ll put ’em in the oven ’til they’re good an’ ’ard!”
The children screamed and tried to pull away as Lindsey, Barbara and Jill pretended to pull them towards the ovens.
Katie had the giggles. She was screaming, “No! No!” but the words were barely distinguishable through her laughter.
Sue chose that moment to enter the Kitchen. She smiled, surveying the joyful scene. She had to shout to make herself heard.
“I thought you were making Mince Pies!”
“We were … but Children’s Pie is MUCH nicer!” joked Lindsey, pretending to drag Katie to the ovens again, with the little girl still giggling and now begging for mercy, which made Sue laugh, wondering where she had heard that phrase from.
“Well it must be your lucky day Katie, because Children’s Pie isn’t on the menu today.”
As if a secret signal had been given, all three released their charge and the children were able to relax.
Sue’s smile slipped slightly but she just about managed to keep it in place as she knelt down to talk to Katie.
“Would you like to go and get cleaned up? I’ve got a surprise for you.”
Lindsey’s spirits plummeted as she realized that her parting from Katie was imminent. Her throat tightened and she found it difficult to breathe. She turned away, pretending to be busy so she didn’t have to look at Katie and let her see her expression.
She needn’t have worried. Katie didn’t so much as glance at her as she jumped up and down in her childish excitement.
“What is it?”
“You’ll find out in a minute.”
Sue paused, knowing she was now going to be asking a lot of Lindsey.
“Will you bring Katie into the Drawing Room when she’s washed her hands and face please?” She stood up but turned back and added almost as an after thought, “Oh, and could you brush her hair and put on her pretty red dress, please? I’ve put it out on the bed.”
Lindsey sadly took off her apron, nodding to Sue that she would do as she was asked. She was too choked up to speak. Swallowing hard, she held out her hand to Katie, forcing a smile.
“Come on Katie.”
The two children knocked on the door of the Drawing Room ten minutes later.
As they entered, they noticed that Sue was sitting in a comfortable armchair in the mainly wooden room. The walls were lined with square, oak wood panels. This was a favorite place with the older and more imaginative children because they liked to believe there was treasure hidden behind the panels - or, at the very least, long dark tunnels which led to exciting places. They often wished they could remove the panels because the space behind them seemed to offer wonderful hiding places during games. It was quite a dark, yet comfortable room, filled with plush leather chairs and warm, red curtains.
Sue was facing a couple who were holding hands. There was a feeling of suppressed excitement in the air, tinged with just a hint of nervousness. The strange atmosphere scared Katie a little and her smile wobbled.
All three grownups were drinking coffee and talking seriously. Their faces were very grave and Katie began to wonder if she had done something wrong.
When they entered the room, Sue put her cup down and stood up, smiling reassuringly at Katie. The couple mirrored her actions, clasping each other’s hands for support.
There was a lengthy silence. Nobody quite knew what to say, how to begin.
Taking the initiative Lindsey, still grasping Katie’s hand, led the little girl to stand in front of the couple, placing her hands reassuringly on her shoulders.
Sue took a deep breath.
“Katie, Mr and Mrs Pearlman have come to pick you up. They are going to be your new Mummy and Daddy.”
“Hello Katie,” smiled Mr Pearlman kindly. “You probably don’t remember but we have met before.” He spoke strangely, pronouncing his t’s as d’s.
Smiling politely, Katie cast her mind back. She had a vague recollection of meeting them during one of the Orphanages many Open Days, events designed to encourage childless couples to adopt one of their charges. Now, it appeared, it was Katie’s lucky day!
For her part, Katie realized that these people had come to take her away from this, the only home she had ever known. She experienced a heady mixture of emotions - suddenly understanding all the whispered conversations that stopped when she entered the room, why Lindsey had started talking about strange places she had never heard of like America, Disney World, California and, in a strange new town called York, the Statue of Liberty!
Mrs Pearlman, a tall, thin lady with a gaunt face but kind eyes, was all business, glancing at her watch and giving the impression that she would rather be anywhere but there.
“Are you ready to go, love?”
“We’re making Mince Pies.”
The couple glanced at each other, neither wishing to be unkind, yet still knowing that they were on a tight schedule.
“Well we’ve got a plane to catch, my little lady … we’ll have to be going soon,” smiled Mr Pearlman.
“We’re making them for Santa Claus,” replied Katie, with the typical innocence of a six year old child.
“You can make all the Mince Pies you want in your new home - just as soon as we get there.”
Sue intervened at this point, anxious to make Katie feel more at ease. She knew she would be confused at leaving so abruptly, and upset at not finishing the Mince Pies. It was a tradition that the staff would take a bite out of them and the carrots, and a gulp of milk to make the children think that Santa had enjoyed their food and drink.
Speaking in a businesslike voice, she told the couple, “All her bags and toys are packed.” Almost as an afterthought she added, “You have her passport, don’t you?”
Patting his jacket pocket, Mr Pearlman smiled. “All present and correct.”
Trying to buy as much time as possible, Sue gestured for the couple to sit down.
Realizing that her brisk manner must be making Katie unnecessarily nervous, Mrs Pearlman gently patted the cushion between herself and her husband, trying to encourage the little girl to sit between them on the settee. When there was no reaction Mrs Pearlman asked, “Wouldn’t you like to sit down Katie?”
The little girl felt torn. Gradually she gained a little confidence, pulled away from Lindsey’s grasp to sit down. Luckily she couldn’t see Lindsey’s face which was (deliberately) hidden by her curtain of long hair. Lindsey had a habit of wearing her hair loose if she was upset or insecure because it offered her a screen to hide behind. Sighing, she turned to leave.
“Don’t go, Lindsey.” The last thing Sue wanted was for Lindsey to feel cut off from Katie in these last, precious moments. “Sit down for a minute.”
But Lindsey wanted to get out of the room as quickly as possible. She hated long goodbyes. Refusing to meet Sue’s eyes she tried bravely to put a smile into her voice as she said, “I’ve got to go and finish up in the Kitchen.”
Even as she said them Lindsey realized how ironic those words were. Dressed as she was, she could easily be mistaken for Cinderella - only this time Cinders wasn’t going to the ball! Remembering their earlier conversation she added sarcastically, “The other children need me, Mrs Darby.”
With a lingering look at Katie, she turned and left the room. Pulling the door until it was almost closed she paused in the doorway, hidden from view. Peering through the gap she saw Sue sigh and shake her head, pinching her nose, thinking hard.
Fixing the Pearlman’s with a pleading stare, she knew what she had to do.
“She’s just upset because Katie’s leaving. They are very close.”
She was setting the Pearlman’s up, trying to get them to take Lindsey too, but she knew this would be a difficult - if not impossible - task. She had no conviction in her voice, knowing in her heart that she was clutching at straws.
“Are you sure you can’t adopt Lindsey as well? She’s a beautiful girl, both inside and out. She’s so kind and well behaved. She’s playful, bubbly and has such a sunny nature. She’s also generous to a fault. All the children love her.”
Throughout this wonderful rendition of all Lindsey’s good qualities, the Pearlman’s smiled admiringly.
Mr Pearlman put his arm around Katie. In Sue’s eyes he was clearly the most warm hearted of the two, so she focused her energies on him. However he wasn’t going to be a walkover.
Giving Katie a big hug he sighed. He could see the hope shining in her eyes and wondered if perhaps she should not be present during this discussion. If the pair were as close as Sue said, then it was only natural that she should want Lindsey to come home with them - it was unfair to build up her hopes for something that probably couldn’t happen.
“I’m sorry Mrs Darby but, as we’ve already told you, we have never been blessed with children of our own. We don’t know how an older child would react to having new parents -”
Sue had to bite back her response, Exactly the same as a younger child. They all want to be loved and have someone to love back, regardless of their age. It was their decision after all.
Mrs Pearlman interrupted her husband’s speech.
“We don’t know what it’s like to bring up a child of our own. Lindsey is already past the age when we can enjoy her growing up -”
Everyone heard a small noise and looked towards the door but only Sue could see Lindsey standing in the corridor, listening intently.
Lindsey scowled and glared at the Pearlman’s through the partially open door.
“You don’t want me because I’m too old!”
The words came out louder than she’d intended and the Pearlman’s felt very guilty. Yet in all good conscience they could not deny the truth of this statement, especially in the light of what Mrs Pearlman had just said.
Sue felt as though she was caught in the middle. She could see the Pearlman’s point of view, although she knew it was ethically wrong. Yet she could also see Lindsey’s side. Her dearest wish since she had been a little girl had been not for a pony, toys or a puppy as most girls did, but for a family to love her. What better solution could there be then, than to be adopted by the same family as the little girl who was her sister in all but name? To see this pair split apart under these circumstances, knowing that the likelihood was they would never see each other again, was almost more than she could bear. She was very surprised by her reaction, especially as she had always prided herself on being impartial. She loved Lindsey like her own but was unable to legally adopt her.
On the other hand, Sue recognized that adoption is a selective process and that parents have a right to make their own decision, they should not have children forced upon them. It must be very hard, with so many to choose from, to decide who would make the perfect addition to their family.
Sue plastered a smile on her face, resolving to do the best she could for the sake of both children, to keep them together. Her voice unintentionally took on a pleading tone.
“She can cook, clean and she can baby sit Katie if you wanted to go out anywhere -”
The Pearlman’s knew what she was doing and were beginning to reconsider. Mr Pearlman held out a palm to stop her, smiling warmly.
“I’m sure there are a hundred and one reasons why Lindsey would be a great asset but …” He paused. Glancing at Katie he had seen the shy pleading in her eyes, coupled with a hint of hope. He sighed, “Well, how will it be if we have a think about it and let you know?”
Sue nodded. It was the best result she could hope for under the circumstances.
“Is Lindsey coming too?”
The hope and excitement in Katie’s voice was heartbreaking.
Mr Pearlman sighed again and scratched his head thoughtfully.
“Not just now Katie. Maybe later though.”
Lindsey had heard enough. The tears she had been suppressing began to flow down her cheeks unchecked.
“Maybe never!” she murmured as she turned and fled down the corridor, nearly falling on the steps she couldn’t see through her tears, seeking sanctuary in the bedroom she had shared with Katie since she had come to the Orphanage as a baby.
Throwing herself face down on the bed Lindsey allowed the tears to flow, using the pillow to muffle her sobs. She didn’t want anyone to come and comfort her - nobody could stop this Christmas from turning into a nightmare except the Pearlman’s.
When she had seen them earlier she had hated them for taking Katie away. Yet as she cried the anger dissipated somewhat and she began to understand.
Some time later she was still crying on her bed - the one nearest the window - when she heard footsteps and excited chatter from Katie. Her stomach lurched. This was it - she was obviously coming to say goodbye. Lindsey tried to compose herself but it was too late. Katie entered the room first, with Sue slightly behind her.
Lindsey looked up.
Katie was framed in the doorway. She looked very cute. Her thick coat was buttoned right up to the throat to keep the cold out. Her long scarf was wrapped around her so thickly that it looked as though she was being strangled. She was also wearing gloves and a hat pulled down so far it covered her ears and almost touched her eyes. If this had been an ordinary day Lindsey would have laughed. Katie looked like a cross between a Sumo Wrestler and an Elf in Santa’s workshop who was reporting for duty before escorting him on his present delivering duties! Katie was carrying a plastic bag. They stared at each other, suddenly shy.
Sue approached the bed and spoke in her gentlest tone.
“Aren’t you going to say goodbye to Katie, Lindsey?”
Lindsey thought Sue was telling her off and opened her mouth to say something. Katie spoke first though.
“I’m going on a plane,” she grinned.
Lindsey nodded, wiped her eyes and sat up. It was only then that Katie noticed Lindsey’s damp face and reddened eyes. She was puzzled because she honestly couldn’t see anything to be sad about. She was going on an exciting adventure, as Lindsey herself had told her countless times lately.
“What’s the matter? Why are you crying?”
Lindsey was too choked up to speak so Sue explained. Bending low she whispered into her ear, “She is very sad because you are leaving, Katie.”
The little girl was so excited that she simply couldn’t see the problem at the moment.
“I’m going to a new home. You can come and visit me.”
Lindsey mustered a half smile. “I don’t think so Katie. You’ll be too far away - you’re going to another country on the other side of the world.”
“Well, I’ll come and see you.”
Sue herself nearly cried when Katie said that. In a sudden rush of love she enveloped her in a massive hug, almost stopping her breathing! Forcing a smile she said, “I hope you do. We’ll all be thinking about you and wondering how you are getting on.”
When Sue released her, Katie went to Lindsey and gave her the carrier bag.
“This is for you. It’s not much.”
Lindsey smiled wanly. This was typical of Katie. The little girl was generous to a fault. She didn’t mind what the present was, it was the thought that counted.
“Thank you.”
Taking a peak inside the bag, her eyes widened and she realized that Katie had given up her most prized possession - her cute, stuffed Panda who had been with her since she was a baby. He went everywhere with her - a kind of security blanket.
Lindsey bit her lip, feeling guilty as she saw one of the biggest differences between them - Katie was a warm, generous child while she was often sulky and selfish.
Katie interrupted her thoughts.
“You can have Mapoo. I’ll get lots of other cuddly toys when I get to America.” She paused expectantly. When nothing was forthcoming she tilted her head to one side and asked cheekily, “Aren’t you going to give me anything?”
Lindsey smiled again but this time it was genuine. Katie could always make her laugh. She had been so wrapped up in her own unhappiness about Katie leaving, and believing that she had more time anyway, that she had given no thought to a leaving present - though unknown to Katie she had slipped her Christmas present into her case when she wasn’t looking.
Filled with warmth and affection her voice softened.
“Yes I’m going to give you something to remember me by.” Her breath caught as she bit back a sob but she kept herself under control as she said, “I’m going to give you a GREAT BIG HUG!”
Suddenly reaching out she pulled the best friend she would ever have into a warm embrace. The pair clung together for a long time. When she could trust herself to speak again Lindsey said, “I’m going to miss you! Look after yourself.”
Reluctantly she released Katie only to see her eyes were moist as well.
Trying to smile through her tears Katie said bravely, “Joe and Irene are going to look after me.”
Sue knew that staying here was just prolonging the agony for everyone. The sooner Katie left them, the sooner Lindsey could start to heal.
“Come on Katie. Mr and Mrs Pearlman are waiting for you downstairs.”
Tears flooded Lindsey’s eyes again and she had to wipe the tears away.
Katie obediently made to leave but paused at the door, taking a last look at the room that had been hers for as long as she could remember. She was feeling very scared - now she desperately needed Lindsey to be equally as brave as her. She couldn’t do this without her blessing.
Fixing Lindsey with a pleading stare she asked, “Are you going to come downstairs?”
In that moment Lindsey knew she couldn’t let Katie down. She would see her off but she needed to compose herself first. She knew Katie wouldn’t leave with the Pearlman’s unless she was waving her off at the front door. She knew that a part of Katie felt as though she was abandoning her and she had to know that it was OK to go with them. If Lindsey didn’t wave goodbye - and with a smile on her face - then it would look as though she was angry with her. They couldn’t part like that. In fact Lindsey was genuinely pleased that Katie had found adoptive parents - she was just very jealous that it wasn’t her as well.
“Yes, I’ll be down in a minute.”
Katie left the room and Sue paused as she turned to close the door, meeting Lindsey’s eyes and was suddenly overwhelmed by a tidal wave of love, compassion and deep admiration.
A few minutes later everyone was gathered together, waving and shouting goodbye. Some were crying, others cheering, but everyone was happy for Katie.
Sue had a comforting arm around Lindsey’s shoulders. Glancing down she realized that the child was feeling very remorseful about her behavior. She looked … lost.
Katie waved back at her friends, full of mixed emotions about leaving them to start a new life in a faraway country. She was holding back because she had to see Lindsey. Spotting her at the front of the crowd, she smiled and clambered into the back, locking slightly scared eyes on her and waving frantically. Katie had been worried that Lindsey would not come downstairs, letting her face this alone rather than deal with the sadness. She should have realized that Lindsey would never let her down, no matter how painful the circumstances.
As soon as the car began to move, Lindsey broke free of Sue’s arms and fled inside. She couldn’t take any more - and she could be of no more use to Katie now. That pleasure (for as upset as she was she, she simply couldn’t think of it as a duty) now fell to the Pearlman’s. She was oblivious to the stares she got as she ran to the Library.
Sue tracked where Lindsey was going before turning back to watch the car disappear from view. She had an idea for something that would, if not take her mind off things, at least give her something else to focus on. With any luck her plan may serve to make her realize how special and important she was to everyone here.
“Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head …”
The sound of the children’s sweet voices singing their favorite carol barely registered as Lindsey stared gloomily out at the falling snow. The surrounding area - as far as the eye could see - was covered with a thick white blanket which muffled any sounds, creating an eerie atmosphere.
Christmas was definitely not Lindsey’s favorite time of year and this was going to be the worst of her life so far. Biting back a sob, she felt her life was going from bad to worse - in fact, it seemed to be falling apart.
The poor girl was feeling far from festive.
The song changed to Santa Claus is Coming to Town, making Lindsey grit her teeth. She wanted to scream, “THERE IS NO SANTA Claus!” but held her tongue - she didn’t want to upset the other children. After all, it wasn’t their fault she was so unhappy. Perhaps she would feel a little better if Katie wasn’t leaving today - to live on the other side of the world.
Her throat tightened at the thought and tears sparkled like diamonds in her eyes, but she determinedly held them back. She had to be brave or she would upset her dearest friend.
The clock suddenly seemed to tick louder and her stomach clenched tightly - every second brought her closer to the dreaded goodbye.
Oh if only she could go too! But Katie, she knew, was young and cute - the sort of child any adoptive parent would be very proud of. Whereas Lindsey was the eldest in the Orphanage, and nobody wanted an older child.
She was abruptly jerked out of her melancholy thoughts as the door to the Library opened and Katie ran in, looking for her.
Katie’s face split into a huge grin at the sight of her friend whom she looked on as a big sister. However, the smile faded a little when she saw Lindsey’s expression.
“What’s the matter? Did you get told off again?”
Lindsey couldn’t let her friend see how she was feeling, so she reacted in a way which aimed to deflect Katie’s attention away from her.
“No - go and play,” she snapped.
She immediately felt guilty because Katie hadn’t really done anything wrong. Glancing at her sideways, she saw the hurt confusion on the little girl’s face which almost broke her heart. Her jaw set, she stared out of the window, arms crossed and her body language screaming that she wanted to be left alone. She was frightened that her emotions would overwhelm her in front of Katie.
The little girl didn’t get the message. She stood there, head to one side, with a puzzled expression in her eyes. The way she was looking at her, Lindsey felt sure she had suddenly sprouted horns or something.
Katie tried to catch her friend’s eye whilst Lindsey avoided her gaze. For all her young years Katie as quite mature and she wanted to understand why her best friend was so unhappy, and to give her some comfort as well, if possible. Lindsey had always been her confidante and she wanted to return the favor. She wisely decided that if Lindsey wouldn’t tell her what was wrong - and she couldn’t force her - she would try to cheer her up instead.
“We’re singing Christmas carols.”
Lindsey managed a half smile. Trust Katie to say the wrong thing whilst trying to help.
“I know,” she replied, quietly.
“Why don’t you come and join us? You can sing with me?”
“Because I want to stay here!”
Hearing the tone of her voice, Lindsey bit her lip in horror. She raised her arms in a gesture of mute apology, but Katie had already moved away. From the corner of her eye Lindsey watched as she slid off the extra wide window ledge, a heavy silence between them.
The impatience in her tone would have sent most children scurrying away, but Katie was made of sterner stuff.
Looking around thoughtfully to see if there was anything she could do to rescue the situation and lift Lindsey’s mood, she spotted a tray of books in the middle of an oblong table which was surrounded by six chairs.
Katie carefully clambered onto one of them and reached out, her fingertips just about managing to grasp her favorite book from the collection.
It was quite heavy and it took a great deal of effort for her to drag it to the edge of the table. Lindsey smiled inwardly, her melancholy mood lifting momentarily as she watched the determined little girl struggling to achieve her aim, groaning with the effort of first reaching it, then actually pulling it down from the table. She knew she really should go and help, but -
“Oh!” came the frustrated cry as Katie lost her grip on the book, her tiny hands unable to maintain the strength needed to get it safely down.
Their eyes met across the room and both started to laugh.
“Will you read me a story?”
Katie stretched out a hand, appealing to Lindsey with such a pleading expression in her soft, puppy dog brown eyes that she almost gave in.
This was all so hard! She desperately needed to be alone but couldn’t explain her feelings to the little girl who, until today, had always been such a source of comfort and solace - especially on this day which held so many awful memories. Katie had got her through so much, with her funny manner, amusing outlook on life and her unconditional love. Now that bond was about to be broken. Lindsey knew she should be happy for Katie - and part of her was - but she was devastated to know that they would never spend another Christmas together.
She didn’t blame Katie for being excited at the thought of being adopted, but a small part of her wished it was her as well. She was going to miss her surrogate sister so much! She realized she should try to make these last moments together special ones - for both of their sakes.
Glancing at the book, Lindsey noticed it was the beautiful hardback with pretty engraving on the front and gold edged pages. She had read it to Katie (and the other children) more often than she cared to remember. Knew the story by heart, in fact.
Beginning to weaken, she took a hesitant step forward but suddenly realized she couldn’t trust her voice.
Taking a shaky breath she managed to squeeze out the words, “Not just now Katie …”
Katie didn’t immediately put the book down as she had expected her to. Lindsey could hardly bear the crushed disappointment on her face so she returned to her seat in the window and hastily looked away.
Like most children of her age, Katie could be very persistent until she got what she wanted - or the answers she required.
There was a heavy silence between them. Katie thought for a while. She wanted to put things right between them - which was difficult when she had no idea what she had done wrong. Her childish enthusiasm about Christmas could not be dampened down, despite knowing how Lindsey felt about it. She had never understood how anyone could dislike this time of the year anyway.
“We’re going to make a cake and some Mince Pies later, to give to Santa Claus with a glass of milk -”
That was too much for Lindsey. “Santa Claus doesn’t exist! He’s just make believe!”
The words were out before she could stop them. If only the stupid girl had left her alone.
Katie was immediately defiant. “Yes he does! He comes down the chimney and leaves presents around the tree that good children want.”
“He’s never given me what I want,” cried Lindsey, petulantly.
“That’s because he only brings presents for good boys and girls - and you’re not a good girl because you hit Jimmy!”
This wasn’t working. She didn’t want to fight with Lindsey. In a flash, Katie changed the subject.
“Do you want to play with the Doll’s House?”
“Maybe later.”
At least Lindsey’s tone had softened and she didn’t sound quite so sad any more.
But suddenly Katie became bored with Lindsey’s attitude. She tossed her shoulder length brunette hair casually, as if she didn’t care whether or not they played together.
“I’m going to ask Julie if she’ll play with the Doll’s House then.”
Of course, she was really trying to make Lindsey jealous.
“Yes, that’s right, you go and ask Julie to play with you,” replied Lindsey sulkily, her gaze still focused on the snow outside the window.
She was glad Katie couldn’t see her expression. She was behaving badly and she knew it.
Katie opened the Library door just as Sue Darby, the owner of the Orphanage, was about to enter.
Sue, an attractive woman in her late fifties with short, blonde hair and a bright, sunny smile, reached out to ruffle the top of Katie’s hair. She felt a great deal of affection and tenderness towards this outwardly tough, loveable little girl.
“I wondered where you’d got to.”
In fact, she’d had a fair idea of where she’d be. This pair were inseparable. She was worried about how Lindsey would cope after Katie left. On the face of it, she seemed OK, but it was bound to be hard for her. Sue was very proud of the way Lindsey had handled the forthcoming separation - helping Katie to pack, telling her about all the exciting things she would see, what a great adventure she was going on! But it came as quite a shock to everyone when the Pearlman’s had telephoned to say they would arrive to pick Katie up on Christmas Eve because they needed to return to the States rather sooner than expected. Nobody had mentioned this abrupt change of plan to Katie because she would have become over excited. There was also the worry that they would be delayed, which would upset her unnecessarily.
“Lindsey’s crying,” replied Katie, returning Sue’s smile.
Lindsey spun around at that comment, her eyes blazing with anger. She glowered at Katie, standing in the doorway with Sue. If there was one thing that Lindsey couldn’t stand, it was to know that someone could see through her emotions. With everything she had been through she found the best way to cope was to keep a little back for herself, not let her feelings show. Those who didn’t know her often thought that she was aloof or didn’t care about them - but the opposite was true! She just couldn’t afford to show any emotion - it left one far too vulnerable.
“No I’m not!” she snapped defensively, a little sniffle giving her away.
“Are you going to tell her off again?”
Sue smiled. Was that a little mischief making in her voice? She decided that Katie must be genuinely worried about her friend and knelt down to speak to her reassuringly at her level, her eyes in direct contact with the little girl.
Speaking in a firm voice she said, “No Katie, I’m not going to shout at her. Now, you go into the Green Room with the others and I’ll be with you in a minute.”
“Are we going to make Mince Pies?”
Sue laughed. Typical Katie! She loved baking and would do it every weekend if she was given half a chance!
“Go and ask Barbara and Jill to get the ingredients from the pantry and we’ll start making them in a minute.”
Singing Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer to herself, Katie excitedly ran to find them.
After she left there was a long silence as Lindsey returned to staring out of the window.
Sue knew Lindsey was bottling up her emotions. The silence deepened and it was almost as though only the two of them existed in the whole world - which was pretty much how Lindsey felt!
Taking the vacant space where Katie had sat just minutes earlier, Sue watched Lindsey carefully. In all the years she had known this special child she had never seen her so upset. Usually she bounced straight back up if she felt down, aided by a naturally sunny disposition. This time, however, it felt different and, frankly, Sue was worried. She smiled encouragingly.
“What’s the matter, Lindsey?”
The question was like a red rag to a bull and the young girl almost exploded.
“NOTHING is wrong! I wish people would stop asking me that.”
Sue knew she could handle the situation in one of two ways. She could reprimand Lindsey for her tone of voice - or she could try a little compassion for a child who was hurting very badly. She chose the latter. Using her gentlest voice she said, “I’m sorry I told you off, but you shouldn’t have hit Jimmy.”
“He pulled my hair!”
“You’re much bigger than him - you didn’t have to hit him.”
“And he called me names.”
Sue was silent for a moment, absently stroking Lindsey’s lovely long, wavy, golden colored hair.
“I don’t think he meant to be insulting when he called you Goldilocks, Lindsey. You’ve got such beautiful hair.”
Lindsey started to feel guilty. She knew deep down she had over reacted.
“Thank you, Mrs Darby,” she smiled.
“What happened to Sue?” Changing the subject she asked, “Aren’t you going to come and sing some songs?”
“I don’t really want to. I’m not in the mood for singing - I’d rather just sit here for a while.”
Sue sighed deeply, wondering how best to comfort her. Mistakenly she took the opportunity to tell her how much everyone loved her.
“The children want you to play with them. They look up to you like you’re one of the Carers.”
Too late, she realized the way that Lindsey had taken her comment as her face fell, her head drooped and the long, loose hair hung like curtains, shielding her expression - but not the sadness in her tone of voice.
“Yes, I know. I’ve been here longer than all the other children put together. They think I work here.”
“I thought you liked looking after Katie! She thinks of you like a sister -”
“But I’m NOT her sister,” retorted Lindsey angrily. “If I was I’d be going with her to her new home.”
Suddenly the penny dropped for Sue, who had been wondering why Lindsey was reacting so badly to it being Christmas this year. The woman felt an unexpected wave of compassion and understanding. Gently she placed her hand on top of Lindsey’s.
“I’m sorry, love. I didn’t realize how much it would upset you when Katie left us.” She paused, uncertain of how to continue. “I thought you’d be happy that she’d found a new home.”
Without warning, Lindsey’s emotions spilled out, surprising her with their intensity. She was furious with herself as she felt hot tears burn at the back of her eyes.
“But I can’t find a new home! Nobody wants me! I’m too old. They all want young boys and girls like Jimmy and Katie - they don’t want someone of my age,” she added almost in a whisper, her voice thick with tears she stubbornly refused to shed.
Sue realized that she had been expecting too much of Lindsey, asking her to let Katie go with her blessing after letting all her defenses down. The pair had grown very close, despite Lindsey’s protestations after her parents’ death that she would never allow herself to love anyone else because they would only leave her.
Sue had asked her to take Katie under her wing when she had first arrived, hoping that giving her some responsibility would enable her to acknowledge her place in the world, and break down her barriers.
Katie was adorable, her laughter infectious. Put that together with a great sense of fun and a mischievous nature and it was impossible not to love her. However, this sunny nature made it only natural that prospective adoptive parents would love her too, leading eventually to the inevitable separation the pair now faced.
Sue sighed. Lindsey’s prickly personality put off families who met her. They never took the time to get to know the sweet, loving nature that was pounding through her soul, giving up after a short time - all unable to deal with her mercurial temper.
What these families didn’t understand was that Lindsey was very insecure and had a tendency to push the boundaries, trying to see what she would have to do to stop them from loving her. She had lost so much and had to handle a lot more than most children her age. It had taken Sue and the staff a long time to gain her trust. Through their love and support she gradually began to shine as her confidence grew. However, she never failed to go back to her old ways whenever she met prospective parents because she was nervous.
“You’ll find a home one day, Lindsey, I’m sure you will. Someone as kind and considerate as you should have no trouble finding a family to take you in and love you as much as we do -”
“Then why HASN’T anyone adopted me?”
Suddenly it was all too much. Lindsey flopped forward, leaning her head against Sue’s motherly chest. Feeling as though she would burst if she held her emotions in any longer, she began to cry softly. Sue wrapped her arms around the young girl, trying to comfort her without much success. Lindsey hesitantly clung to Sue in return, reluctant to admit even to herself that she needed Sue’s love and affection. Eventually she gave in and hugged her fiercely.
They were silent for some time. At last, still crying but calmer now, Lindsey spoke.
“Every year I write a letter and put it under the Christmas Tree. I always wish for the same thing. I wish for a new home - someone to love me as much as I love them - and each year I spend with you and the other children instead of with my own family.”
“But we’re all family here, aren’t we Lindsey? We all love each other. I thought you were happy with us - you’re part of a huge family here. You’re very special to us, you know.”
There was a long pause as Lindsey realized how selfish she sounded. This was all coming out wrong and she felt guilty. She sighed, bit her lip. Sue and the others were all the family she had and she did love them, but somehow it wasn’t the same.
“Yes, I know, but -”
“You’ll get your wish one day Lindsey,” interrupted Sue before she could explain that she wasn’t ungrateful or dismissive of Sue’s love. It was too late then, the moment had passed.
Slowly she lifted her head and tried to compose herself. Dry washing her face, she added resentfully, “I won’t get it this year though, will I?”
Sue’s body sagged. She knew better than to offer false hope - especially as she also knew that Lindsey was right. It would be unfair to tell her that someone might come to the Orphanage tomorrow and offer her a home - that was highly unlikely on Christmas Day. There was a tiny window of opportunity for her to get a home later that day which she didn’t know anything about, but Sue didn’t say anything for fear she could not persuade them to take her. It would surely be far worse to have hope snatched away than not have it at all. She debated whether to tell Lindsey why she was finding it so difficult to get a home - perhaps she wasn’t aware that she was blocking potential parents - but decided that would be unkind. Why kick the child when she was feeling down, even in an attempt to help her? Gently she placed a hand on the child’s left shoulder. She could feel her own eyes filled with tears, she was so sad for her.
“You write that letter all the same. Do you hear?” Her grip tightened. “You write that letter.”
Abruptly she pulled Lindsey close and held her in a loving embrace.
The sad scene was interrupted as Katie and a group of other children came into the room, closely followed by two Carers, one male and one female.
The air was crackling with excitement as the children scattered to all four corners of the room, looking for something.
Whatever they were seeking, it was obviously very well hidden because they searched everywhere - in the book case, under the cushions and chairs, even behind the beautiful artificial daffodils placed on the window ledge opposite in an effort to inject some cheer into the room all year round.
Sue playfully grabbed Katie as she ran past.
“What are you doing?”
“We’re having a treasure hunt.” Katie’s eyes were shining with glee.
“There are twelve chocolate coins hidden somewhere,” added Carrie, a plump little girl with short, red curly hair. Sue smiled warmly at her - this child so rarely spoke because she was painfully shy, traumatized by the loss of her family and only a very recent addition to the Orphanage. It was wonderful to see her so excited.
“Now let me see,” laughed Sue, standing up and looking around as though to try to beat the children in finding the coins. “Where could the treasure be hidden?”
There was a shout as one of the children found a coin.
Lindsey jumped up quickly from the window seat. Everyone stared at her as she stood, momentarily frozen, thinking hard, obviously joining in the game.
She clicked her fingers. “I know where they are - follow me!”
She was gone in the blink of an eye, Katie and the other children chasing after her like Lemmings, leaving Sue staring at the empty space where she had been admiringly.
Half an hour later Lindsey, Katie and a number of other children were in the Kitchen with two other Carers, Barbara and Jill. The air was thick with flour - it was everywhere - in the children’s hair, on their faces, on the floor! Luckily everyone was wearing aprons.
Tony’s fingers were sticky, the pastry clinging to him like glue. It felt strange as it dried - sort of tickling him as it cracked.
A mischievous glint came to his eyes and he grinned.
“Watch out everyone - the Flour Monster’s about!”
He began chasing the children around the Kitchen, pulling faces and wiping his floury fingers on anyone he caught. Chaos was the name of the game as the other children ran away to try to avoid capture. By now the air was like fog and it was difficult to see through all the flour.
Barbara, always one of the sterner staff members, could feel a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. Despite her tough exterior she really loved these children. Katie’s nickname for her was “Soft Mint” because she was as hard as nails on the outside but as soft as butter underneath. The smile broke through.
“Tony! Stop that!”
But Tony found he couldn’t stop - perhaps he was over excited at the thought of Christmas. Laughing, he “attacked” Barbara, reaching out to tickle her. Jill was too quick for him and grabbed his wrists, holding his hands high in the air for Barbara to tickle him under the arms.
“There!” she laughed. “Now you can’t make a pie out of us!”
Katie and Julie watched the proceedings with glee. Deciding to join in the fun, the girls circled around Barbara and Jill while they were distracted by Tony. Biding their time, they waited until the time was right before leaping to Tony’s defense.
Jill abruptly released him and spun round to see who was tormenting her.
Katie stuck her tongue out and made a funny noise that was clearly meant to be a monster.
Feigning surprise and fear, Barbara let out a high pitched scream.
“Oh no! Another Flour Monster is attacking me!”
“Blah! Whoa!” replied Katie, totally engrossed in the game. She jumped when Lindsey grabbed her arms as Jill had grabbed Tony’s. Laughing, Barbara did the same to Julie.
“Right,” laughed Barbara, “What should we do with these three Pastry Monsters?”
“I know! We’ll put ’em in the oven ’til they’re good an’ ’ard!”
The children screamed and tried to pull away as Lindsey, Barbara and Jill pretended to pull them towards the ovens.
Katie had the giggles. She was screaming, “No! No!” but the words were barely distinguishable through her laughter.
Sue chose that moment to enter the Kitchen. She smiled, surveying the joyful scene. She had to shout to make herself heard.
“I thought you were making Mince Pies!”
“We were … but Children’s Pie is MUCH nicer!” joked Lindsey, pretending to drag Katie to the ovens again, with the little girl still giggling and now begging for mercy, which made Sue laugh, wondering where she had heard that phrase from.
“Well it must be your lucky day Katie, because Children’s Pie isn’t on the menu today.”
As if a secret signal had been given, all three released their charge and the children were able to relax.
Sue’s smile slipped slightly but she just about managed to keep it in place as she knelt down to talk to Katie.
“Would you like to go and get cleaned up? I’ve got a surprise for you.”
Lindsey’s spirits plummeted as she realized that her parting from Katie was imminent. Her throat tightened and she found it difficult to breathe. She turned away, pretending to be busy so she didn’t have to look at Katie and let her see her expression.
She needn’t have worried. Katie didn’t so much as glance at her as she jumped up and down in her childish excitement.
“What is it?”
“You’ll find out in a minute.”
Sue paused, knowing she was now going to be asking a lot of Lindsey.
“Will you bring Katie into the Drawing Room when she’s washed her hands and face please?” She stood up but turned back and added almost as an after thought, “Oh, and could you brush her hair and put on her pretty red dress, please? I’ve put it out on the bed.”
Lindsey sadly took off her apron, nodding to Sue that she would do as she was asked. She was too choked up to speak. Swallowing hard, she held out her hand to Katie, forcing a smile.
“Come on Katie.”
The two children knocked on the door of the Drawing Room ten minutes later.
As they entered, they noticed that Sue was sitting in a comfortable armchair in the mainly wooden room. The walls were lined with square, oak wood panels. This was a favorite place with the older and more imaginative children because they liked to believe there was treasure hidden behind the panels - or, at the very least, long dark tunnels which led to exciting places. They often wished they could remove the panels because the space behind them seemed to offer wonderful hiding places during games. It was quite a dark, yet comfortable room, filled with plush leather chairs and warm, red curtains.
Sue was facing a couple who were holding hands. There was a feeling of suppressed excitement in the air, tinged with just a hint of nervousness. The strange atmosphere scared Katie a little and her smile wobbled.
All three grownups were drinking coffee and talking seriously. Their faces were very grave and Katie began to wonder if she had done something wrong.
When they entered the room, Sue put her cup down and stood up, smiling reassuringly at Katie. The couple mirrored her actions, clasping each other’s hands for support.
There was a lengthy silence. Nobody quite knew what to say, how to begin.
Taking the initiative Lindsey, still grasping Katie’s hand, led the little girl to stand in front of the couple, placing her hands reassuringly on her shoulders.
Sue took a deep breath.
“Katie, Mr and Mrs Pearlman have come to pick you up. They are going to be your new Mummy and Daddy.”
“Hello Katie,” smiled Mr Pearlman kindly. “You probably don’t remember but we have met before.” He spoke strangely, pronouncing his t’s as d’s.
Smiling politely, Katie cast her mind back. She had a vague recollection of meeting them during one of the Orphanages many Open Days, events designed to encourage childless couples to adopt one of their charges. Now, it appeared, it was Katie’s lucky day!
For her part, Katie realized that these people had come to take her away from this, the only home she had ever known. She experienced a heady mixture of emotions - suddenly understanding all the whispered conversations that stopped when she entered the room, why Lindsey had started talking about strange places she had never heard of like America, Disney World, California and, in a strange new town called York, the Statue of Liberty!
Mrs Pearlman, a tall, thin lady with a gaunt face but kind eyes, was all business, glancing at her watch and giving the impression that she would rather be anywhere but there.
“Are you ready to go, love?”
“We’re making Mince Pies.”
The couple glanced at each other, neither wishing to be unkind, yet still knowing that they were on a tight schedule.
“Well we’ve got a plane to catch, my little lady … we’ll have to be going soon,” smiled Mr Pearlman.
“We’re making them for Santa Claus,” replied Katie, with the typical innocence of a six year old child.
“You can make all the Mince Pies you want in your new home - just as soon as we get there.”
Sue intervened at this point, anxious to make Katie feel more at ease. She knew she would be confused at leaving so abruptly, and upset at not finishing the Mince Pies. It was a tradition that the staff would take a bite out of them and the carrots, and a gulp of milk to make the children think that Santa had enjoyed their food and drink.
Speaking in a businesslike voice, she told the couple, “All her bags and toys are packed.” Almost as an afterthought she added, “You have her passport, don’t you?”
Patting his jacket pocket, Mr Pearlman smiled. “All present and correct.”
Trying to buy as much time as possible, Sue gestured for the couple to sit down.
Realizing that her brisk manner must be making Katie unnecessarily nervous, Mrs Pearlman gently patted the cushion between herself and her husband, trying to encourage the little girl to sit between them on the settee. When there was no reaction Mrs Pearlman asked, “Wouldn’t you like to sit down Katie?”
The little girl felt torn. Gradually she gained a little confidence, pulled away from Lindsey’s grasp to sit down. Luckily she couldn’t see Lindsey’s face which was (deliberately) hidden by her curtain of long hair. Lindsey had a habit of wearing her hair loose if she was upset or insecure because it offered her a screen to hide behind. Sighing, she turned to leave.
“Don’t go, Lindsey.” The last thing Sue wanted was for Lindsey to feel cut off from Katie in these last, precious moments. “Sit down for a minute.”
But Lindsey wanted to get out of the room as quickly as possible. She hated long goodbyes. Refusing to meet Sue’s eyes she tried bravely to put a smile into her voice as she said, “I’ve got to go and finish up in the Kitchen.”
Even as she said them Lindsey realized how ironic those words were. Dressed as she was, she could easily be mistaken for Cinderella - only this time Cinders wasn’t going to the ball! Remembering their earlier conversation she added sarcastically, “The other children need me, Mrs Darby.”
With a lingering look at Katie, she turned and left the room. Pulling the door until it was almost closed she paused in the doorway, hidden from view. Peering through the gap she saw Sue sigh and shake her head, pinching her nose, thinking hard.
Fixing the Pearlman’s with a pleading stare, she knew what she had to do.
“She’s just upset because Katie’s leaving. They are very close.”
She was setting the Pearlman’s up, trying to get them to take Lindsey too, but she knew this would be a difficult - if not impossible - task. She had no conviction in her voice, knowing in her heart that she was clutching at straws.
“Are you sure you can’t adopt Lindsey as well? She’s a beautiful girl, both inside and out. She’s so kind and well behaved. She’s playful, bubbly and has such a sunny nature. She’s also generous to a fault. All the children love her.”
Throughout this wonderful rendition of all Lindsey’s good qualities, the Pearlman’s smiled admiringly.
Mr Pearlman put his arm around Katie. In Sue’s eyes he was clearly the most warm hearted of the two, so she focused her energies on him. However he wasn’t going to be a walkover.
Giving Katie a big hug he sighed. He could see the hope shining in her eyes and wondered if perhaps she should not be present during this discussion. If the pair were as close as Sue said, then it was only natural that she should want Lindsey to come home with them - it was unfair to build up her hopes for something that probably couldn’t happen.
“I’m sorry Mrs Darby but, as we’ve already told you, we have never been blessed with children of our own. We don’t know how an older child would react to having new parents -”
Sue had to bite back her response, Exactly the same as a younger child. They all want to be loved and have someone to love back, regardless of their age. It was their decision after all.
Mrs Pearlman interrupted her husband’s speech.
“We don’t know what it’s like to bring up a child of our own. Lindsey is already past the age when we can enjoy her growing up -”
Everyone heard a small noise and looked towards the door but only Sue could see Lindsey standing in the corridor, listening intently.
Lindsey scowled and glared at the Pearlman’s through the partially open door.
“You don’t want me because I’m too old!”
The words came out louder than she’d intended and the Pearlman’s felt very guilty. Yet in all good conscience they could not deny the truth of this statement, especially in the light of what Mrs Pearlman had just said.
Sue felt as though she was caught in the middle. She could see the Pearlman’s point of view, although she knew it was ethically wrong. Yet she could also see Lindsey’s side. Her dearest wish since she had been a little girl had been not for a pony, toys or a puppy as most girls did, but for a family to love her. What better solution could there be then, than to be adopted by the same family as the little girl who was her sister in all but name? To see this pair split apart under these circumstances, knowing that the likelihood was they would never see each other again, was almost more than she could bear. She was very surprised by her reaction, especially as she had always prided herself on being impartial. She loved Lindsey like her own but was unable to legally adopt her.
On the other hand, Sue recognized that adoption is a selective process and that parents have a right to make their own decision, they should not have children forced upon them. It must be very hard, with so many to choose from, to decide who would make the perfect addition to their family.
Sue plastered a smile on her face, resolving to do the best she could for the sake of both children, to keep them together. Her voice unintentionally took on a pleading tone.
“She can cook, clean and she can baby sit Katie if you wanted to go out anywhere -”
The Pearlman’s knew what she was doing and were beginning to reconsider. Mr Pearlman held out a palm to stop her, smiling warmly.
“I’m sure there are a hundred and one reasons why Lindsey would be a great asset but …” He paused. Glancing at Katie he had seen the shy pleading in her eyes, coupled with a hint of hope. He sighed, “Well, how will it be if we have a think about it and let you know?”
Sue nodded. It was the best result she could hope for under the circumstances.
“Is Lindsey coming too?”
The hope and excitement in Katie’s voice was heartbreaking.
Mr Pearlman sighed again and scratched his head thoughtfully.
“Not just now Katie. Maybe later though.”
Lindsey had heard enough. The tears she had been suppressing began to flow down her cheeks unchecked.
“Maybe never!” she murmured as she turned and fled down the corridor, nearly falling on the steps she couldn’t see through her tears, seeking sanctuary in the bedroom she had shared with Katie since she had come to the Orphanage as a baby.
Throwing herself face down on the bed Lindsey allowed the tears to flow, using the pillow to muffle her sobs. She didn’t want anyone to come and comfort her - nobody could stop this Christmas from turning into a nightmare except the Pearlman’s.
When she had seen them earlier she had hated them for taking Katie away. Yet as she cried the anger dissipated somewhat and she began to understand.
Some time later she was still crying on her bed - the one nearest the window - when she heard footsteps and excited chatter from Katie. Her stomach lurched. This was it - she was obviously coming to say goodbye. Lindsey tried to compose herself but it was too late. Katie entered the room first, with Sue slightly behind her.
Lindsey looked up.
Katie was framed in the doorway. She looked very cute. Her thick coat was buttoned right up to the throat to keep the cold out. Her long scarf was wrapped around her so thickly that it looked as though she was being strangled. She was also wearing gloves and a hat pulled down so far it covered her ears and almost touched her eyes. If this had been an ordinary day Lindsey would have laughed. Katie looked like a cross between a Sumo Wrestler and an Elf in Santa’s workshop who was reporting for duty before escorting him on his present delivering duties! Katie was carrying a plastic bag. They stared at each other, suddenly shy.
Sue approached the bed and spoke in her gentlest tone.
“Aren’t you going to say goodbye to Katie, Lindsey?”
Lindsey thought Sue was telling her off and opened her mouth to say something. Katie spoke first though.
“I’m going on a plane,” she grinned.
Lindsey nodded, wiped her eyes and sat up. It was only then that Katie noticed Lindsey’s damp face and reddened eyes. She was puzzled because she honestly couldn’t see anything to be sad about. She was going on an exciting adventure, as Lindsey herself had told her countless times lately.
“What’s the matter? Why are you crying?”
Lindsey was too choked up to speak so Sue explained. Bending low she whispered into her ear, “She is very sad because you are leaving, Katie.”
The little girl was so excited that she simply couldn’t see the problem at the moment.
“I’m going to a new home. You can come and visit me.”
Lindsey mustered a half smile. “I don’t think so Katie. You’ll be too far away - you’re going to another country on the other side of the world.”
“Well, I’ll come and see you.”
Sue herself nearly cried when Katie said that. In a sudden rush of love she enveloped her in a massive hug, almost stopping her breathing! Forcing a smile she said, “I hope you do. We’ll all be thinking about you and wondering how you are getting on.”
When Sue released her, Katie went to Lindsey and gave her the carrier bag.
“This is for you. It’s not much.”
Lindsey smiled wanly. This was typical of Katie. The little girl was generous to a fault. She didn’t mind what the present was, it was the thought that counted.
“Thank you.”
Taking a peak inside the bag, her eyes widened and she realized that Katie had given up her most prized possession - her cute, stuffed Panda who had been with her since she was a baby. He went everywhere with her - a kind of security blanket.
Lindsey bit her lip, feeling guilty as she saw one of the biggest differences between them - Katie was a warm, generous child while she was often sulky and selfish.
Katie interrupted her thoughts.
“You can have Mapoo. I’ll get lots of other cuddly toys when I get to America.” She paused expectantly. When nothing was forthcoming she tilted her head to one side and asked cheekily, “Aren’t you going to give me anything?”
Lindsey smiled again but this time it was genuine. Katie could always make her laugh. She had been so wrapped up in her own unhappiness about Katie leaving, and believing that she had more time anyway, that she had given no thought to a leaving present - though unknown to Katie she had slipped her Christmas present into her case when she wasn’t looking.
Filled with warmth and affection her voice softened.
“Yes I’m going to give you something to remember me by.” Her breath caught as she bit back a sob but she kept herself under control as she said, “I’m going to give you a GREAT BIG HUG!”
Suddenly reaching out she pulled the best friend she would ever have into a warm embrace. The pair clung together for a long time. When she could trust herself to speak again Lindsey said, “I’m going to miss you! Look after yourself.”
Reluctantly she released Katie only to see her eyes were moist as well.
Trying to smile through her tears Katie said bravely, “Joe and Irene are going to look after me.”
Sue knew that staying here was just prolonging the agony for everyone. The sooner Katie left them, the sooner Lindsey could start to heal.
“Come on Katie. Mr and Mrs Pearlman are waiting for you downstairs.”
Tears flooded Lindsey’s eyes again and she had to wipe the tears away.
Katie obediently made to leave but paused at the door, taking a last look at the room that had been hers for as long as she could remember. She was feeling very scared - now she desperately needed Lindsey to be equally as brave as her. She couldn’t do this without her blessing.
Fixing Lindsey with a pleading stare she asked, “Are you going to come downstairs?”
In that moment Lindsey knew she couldn’t let Katie down. She would see her off but she needed to compose herself first. She knew Katie wouldn’t leave with the Pearlman’s unless she was waving her off at the front door. She knew that a part of Katie felt as though she was abandoning her and she had to know that it was OK to go with them. If Lindsey didn’t wave goodbye - and with a smile on her face - then it would look as though she was angry with her. They couldn’t part like that. In fact Lindsey was genuinely pleased that Katie had found adoptive parents - she was just very jealous that it wasn’t her as well.
“Yes, I’ll be down in a minute.”
Katie left the room and Sue paused as she turned to close the door, meeting Lindsey’s eyes and was suddenly overwhelmed by a tidal wave of love, compassion and deep admiration.
A few minutes later everyone was gathered together, waving and shouting goodbye. Some were crying, others cheering, but everyone was happy for Katie.
Sue had a comforting arm around Lindsey’s shoulders. Glancing down she realized that the child was feeling very remorseful about her behavior. She looked … lost.
Katie waved back at her friends, full of mixed emotions about leaving them to start a new life in a faraway country. She was holding back because she had to see Lindsey. Spotting her at the front of the crowd, she smiled and clambered into the back, locking slightly scared eyes on her and waving frantically. Katie had been worried that Lindsey would not come downstairs, letting her face this alone rather than deal with the sadness. She should have realized that Lindsey would never let her down, no matter how painful the circumstances.
As soon as the car began to move, Lindsey broke free of Sue’s arms and fled inside. She couldn’t take any more - and she could be of no more use to Katie now. That pleasure (for as upset as she was she, she simply couldn’t think of it as a duty) now fell to the Pearlman’s. She was oblivious to the stares she got as she ran to the Library.
Sue tracked where Lindsey was going before turning back to watch the car disappear from view. She had an idea for something that would, if not take her mind off things, at least give her something else to focus on. With any luck her plan may serve to make her realize how special and important she was to everyone here.